Keepsake #50

Written: December 30, 2021 

“Here I am at 47 years old and just learning to embrace the essence of who I am. Not who I am as a mom, wife, friend, etc., but who I am, how you (God) made me and what’s my part in this world. Although I have come to a better understanding, I know I am still learning more about this. There is so much I don’t understand; however, I know if I waited to understand everything, I won’t have reasons to trust you. I pray to keep my child-like heart, remembering that you, my Father, can do anything. I pray to laugh at the days to come and hold your word near my heart. Thank you for reminding me that any struggle I face is temporary. Please forgive me of my doubt and unbelief. I love you Lord, In Jesus name I pray. Amen.” Written April 29, 2019.

I did it. I wrote 50 Keepsakes! First one I officially I published March 11, 2022. 50 things I have learned, worked on, grown in, surrendered to, and continue to learn. 50 thoughts, lessons, and insights to be kept as mementos to look back as examples that God is still working on me. 

Typing excerpts from prayers I wrote almost 3 years ago moves my heart. I did not expect that the last prayer I will read for this project was written on my 47th birthday. I love how God did that as it’s the thing I need to remember the most as I grow. 

I remember learning what it means to understand the essence of who I am. The intrinsic nature, the indispensable quality of who I am. It was not easy. Honestly, I didn’t like my essence, because I didn’t like myself. I don’t like being uniqueI,it is a battle. I want to fit in, blend in, not stand out. All because I want to belong. 

Caring for the child within me, exposed my deep wound that influenced how I felt about myself. Not good enough, not worthy of love and respect. 

I didn’t like that I belonged to The Shepherd Family (that’s my maiden name) because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I was also angry that I’d come from such a painful background. 

But I grew in  understanding that I belong to God. I am his. He created me. He formed me, knit me together and helped me accept my essence and uniqueness over the years. 

I don’t know why he created me the way he did: wIth my specific weakness and strengths,the color of my skin, the texture of my hair, the shape of my body, the sound of my laughter. I sometimes ask myself, “Why did you create me like this?” But I am quickly reminded of the passage in Romans 9:20, “But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?” God created me, I belong to him. He is my Master! 

As I approach living for half a century, the struggle to remember who I belong to will continue. I will look at times for a sense of belonging more than being grateful for who I belong to. I pray for the courage to continue fighting; after all, God fights for me and I can do the same by imitating Jesus. 

I am everything I need to be. I am enough. Even my mistakes have a purpose. I belong to my Creator. Rather I chose to embrace this or not, it does not change that I exist because of him! 

“Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you making?’ Does your work say, ‘The potter has no hands’? Woe to the one who says to a father, ‘What have you begotten?’ or to a mother, ‘What have you brought to birth?’ “This is what the Lord says—the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker: Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind on it. My own hands stretched out the heavens;  I marshaled their starry hosts.” Isaiah 45:9-12.

Written March 8th, 2023. 

Today I celebrate 51 years of life. It’s a privilege, I don’t want to take for granted!

I am moved to review everything I wrote and was reminded of it as of March 8, 2022. In three days, God’s will,Today, I shared with a friend about how God brought me full circle and how I declined an opportunity that God gave me because of my insecurity and being self-focused.  She said to me, “You just needed to bake a little longer.” I didn’t know why that filled me with emotions and brought tears to my eyes . Yes, I needed to bake a little longer. 

Every year there is something fresh that God does in my life, like a clay in the potter's hands, he knows exactly when I am ready. As I entered my 50s, I recognized that I was fighting with God, and decided to stop. It can be pretty discouraging to find yourself like “potsherds on the ground” or as the Message Version of the Bible says, “doom”. Fighting my Maker is exhausting. I got comfortable last year with saying, “I don’t understand.” I found myself speechless about the things I heard and saw going on around me. I sought to understand, but I realized that there are some things I just won’t understand and that is okay. I will be okay as long as I understand that God is the Maker, my Maker. He understands. He will reveal whatever he thinks I need to understand for his purpose. 

This year I find myself saying more, “I understand.” As I look back at the pain and hurt I pushed through to stay committed, I see why some things were painful. I understand that sometimes I have to go through darkness to appreciate the light. 

“From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.” Acts 17:26-28

Thanks for reading and to God be the glory!