Keepsake #6.
October 1, 2021; 2:29 pm. EST.
My morning was pretty busy. I had a client and some pending conversations to attend to. I was looking forward to taking a break soon. My son texted me to say he needed to be picked up from work a half hour earlier. I decided to stop and sit in the living room. It was 1:00 p.m and the day felt like a whirlwind. I felt a bit out of it physically. I grabbed my iPad, inside of which was the prayer I had started to write for Keepsake #5. I already knew the focus was going to be on Talent. But I wasn’t feeling talented or motivated, but I tried anyway
I was writing the Keepsake I was looking forward to writing, but I could not write. I felt… BLAH. I ended up taking a nap on the sofa. When I woke up, I still had no excitement to write. Something that I was looking forward to doing has now become sour. What happened? I closed my iPad.
For the next 30 min I went on my phone to look at my emails, at the moment it felt like a good distraction. First email in the inbox was from, “Eat Local Read Local”. Oh yeah, I registered to be part of this: an event the local library was hosting to promote local business and talent. The BLAH feeling vanished. A feeling of wonder and excitement entered again. Not from the Keepsake I was hoping to write, but from the anticipation of seeing my name once I click on the link: “Participating Authors.” I scrolled to find my name. There were 65 authors, all names horizontally placed. Some names had a website or book link. Each name is separated by a line. Seventeen authors had no link or website, two were grouped accidently with another author… and I was one of them. I immediately wrote to the person in charge and after saying thank you for planning the event, I made them aware of the error that included me with another author. With minutes left to leave, I looked at other participants' websites and book links. The BLAH feeling came back with friends. One was the self-deprecating friend. I left to pick up my son. I took the friends with me.
As I drove back home with my son, I asked him how he was doing. His response, “Something triggered me in a negative way at work and once triggered I spiraled down. I am going to go home and rest. I will be okay.” Wow! That’s what happened to me. The friends I had with me are not good for me (1 Corinthians 15:33). As I drove, my best friend spoke. I’d forgotten to let Him know how I felt. His answer: you need to write on the topic of talent now, it’s perfect. You will need this reminder… you have talents I have given you, rather you feel talented or not.
I am back home, back sitting on the sofa, ready to share that excerpt I was excited to share about a bit over 24 hours ago, followed by another one I found right after. Both are focusing on talents and gifts:
“I want to lift up various things to you (God) this morning, first help me to humbly accept any talent that you have given me, to not be afraid to use it for your glory” Feb. 9, 2011
“I was so convicted about reading about the widow in the temple courts in Mark 12:35-44 that gave her all and it made me do a heart check… Giving my all. I think about how I put limits or cut myself short in so many areas, you (God) have blessed me with so many talents and it’s amazing to see how little I use them. I really thank you for your blessings, but I ask you to help me use them to glorify you.” June 6, 1997
In 1997, I didn’t question if God had given me talents, I believed he did. In 2011 I struggled to accept I had God given talents. What happened? I began to be corrupted by negative talk and feelings within me that said: You are not good enough. I don’t know when it started. I just know focusing on God using me became less, focusing on what I could do became more. It may take years to figure out. In the meantime I can accept this: sometimes I will feel good enough to be used by God and sometimes I won’t. Regardless of how I feel, my feelings do not have to define me. I can still be available for God to use in spite of how I feel.
The gifts and talents God gave me don’t have feelings, I do. Whatever pain or wound around those gifts are in their healing process but that does not devalue the power of the gift itself. The gift is devalued when I label it as not good enough. I do that when I choose to focus on the pain and wounds around it instead of the power of God within me.
When I focus on the Gift Giver I move forward, feeling BLAH and all.
“Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!” Hebrews 12:2 MSG.