“Thanks Jesus for your example, I pledge to do my best to follow you everywhere I go, and if you notice any time that I forgot my pledge; do whatever it takes to remind me again.” A prayer from my toddler years a christian. 

Can you imagine a toddler saying to their parents or teacher, “Please, if I misbehave, do whatever it takes to help me behave.” I am not in any way advocating for child abuse in order to have obedient children. Child abuse is not ever okay. So please do not take my statement literally. That was my request to God as a toddler christian . I must have been about 2 and half years old as a Christian at the time. 

As I look back, I realize that as I grew in age spiritually, I asked the same things; but instead I allowed the scripture to speak for me. I began to pray, “Search me Oh God,  you know my thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” from Psalm 139.

So, I have been consistent in my request.  But as I go over 25 years of pouring my heart to God in written prayers, I notice something. My heart is different, it lacks passion. I know we cannot usually read emotions through text, but that is the emotions of others. I can read MY emotions, and I see the change. 

As I allow God to search my heart,I see how over the years I have sorta romanticized the call to live a life of repentance in some areas of my life. That has led me to becoming fearful in areas instead of faithful. I stopped praying boldly out of fear of what God will call me to repent of and the blind spots he would show me. 

After 25 years as a disciple with many highs and lows, the truth is, I don’t want to ask for more growth or awareness. I know it comes at a cost and the truth is, I sometimes don’t want the cost I must pay for it. 

See, I know Jesus paid the ultimate price and the cost I pay for anything is nothing compared to the price Jesus paid for my salvation. My issue isn’t holding to that truth, my issue is telling my emotions to do so.

The truth is, I prefer an easy walk with God. I feel tired of struggling through another big challenge and mountain to climb. I prefer to float my way through the end of my days living a “perfect” life. I want 100% of heaven on earth 24 hours a day. This is what I meant earlier by romanticizing repentance.

There is only one thing that helps me snap out of my fantasies, the call to be a disciple.

A disciple willing to give up everything to follow Jesus. When I remember that call I stop making adjustments to what “everything” means. 

“Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. “If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.” John 8: 31-32 MSG.

I am grateful God didn’t forget the bold prayer request of a young christian. He took notice that I water down my pledge to him and he is doing whatever it takes to remind me. Even if it means going back and remembering the things he taught me at first. 

“To the angel of the church in Ephesus write:

These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.” Revelation 2:1-5.

Thanks for reading and to God be the glory!