On Feb 3rd, I was pointed to a table filled with rubber bracelets. Why rubber bracelets? I am glad you asked. Let me tell you the back story. 

Exactly two weeks before that day, I laid on my mom's sofa in Connecticut. I had just visited my daughter. We had not seen each other for a while. In spite of the cards she has been dealt in life, she has amazing stamina to pick herself up. She is resilient, and I am proud of her for that! If you don’t know me, I have four biological boys, and my daughter was born into our family through adoption. 

My visit produced a lot of emotions in me. Most of them are hard to explain to a parent who has never adopted or fostered a child. I am grateful for all my friends and family that have been a part of my hubby and I raising our five children: however, there is a unique dynamic when your family grows through adoption. 

As I laid on my mom's sofa filled with overwhelming feelings, I truly believe I was led by the Spirit of God to google, “retreat for adoptive moms.” Within seconds a link to a retreat called, “FILLED” popped up. I opened the link and the website was beautifully designed, highlighting that it was a retreat for foster and adoptive moms. I continued to look at the other options google offered, but they had either happened already or their description did not grab me. As I continued to search, the same retreat came up. I decided to look into it more and saw it was in Lancaster PA and God’s Word was part of it. I looked more into it and I noticed the breakout sessions. I wasn’t convinced I would benefit from them since my daughter is now an adult. To be sure, before I disregarded the event, I sent an email to the organizers. “Is this a retreat for parents of younger children?  My children are adults.” I got a reply a couple days later. “Hi Oliva! Any foster or adoptive mom with any age of kids is welcome to attend FILLED!” As I spoke to my husband about it, we realized I could take the train there. I had severe hesitation and knew if I listened to my feelings, it was going to be a hard NO for me. I called a friend to see if she was willing to go with me so I didn’t go alone. It was a good idea in my opinion. She couldn’t go the whole time but was willing to meet me there Sat-Sun. Hm. I was still hesitant. 

During my session with my Life-Coach I brought up the subject. I vulnerably shared my fears. I love what my coach said: “I am proud of you for following what was on your heart and searching. I think you should do this.” Still feeling hesitant and fearful, I went ahead and signed up.  I wish I could say I prayed about it before making the decision but I didn’t. I did lay on my mom's coach meditating, so I believe that counts as me reaching out to God! 

“Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.” Psalm 139:4 NIV.

Once I signed up I joined the Facebook Page created for this event. I was blown away by what I saw. Women connecting and looking forward to seeing each other. Some were looking forward to reconnecting and some were going to be attending for the first time. It quickly became clear that this was a annual event.

As I scrolled through the whole page, I felt like I was watching John 13:34-35 in action. There were women introducing themselves and trying to set up a meet up based on their life circumstances or the state they were coming from. Although I had already signed up and booked a hotel (more on that later), I was still hesitant to go alone and be with a bunch of women I don’t know.  To top it off, I read that there were going to be about 800 women! I would be totally out of my comfort zone and all my fear alarms were set off. Believe me, it wasn’t the crowd, it was the fact that I was considering going alone. By the way, I promised I will get to the bracelet table. 

On evening, my husband was sitting near me as I scrolled through the group page. I guess I have full confidence he can multitask because I just started sharing glimpses of what I saw on the page. Noticing he was busy I stopped. I eventually asked the question I didn’t want to ask, “should I go alone or take my friend”. My husband gives it to me directly and does not beat around the bush. It is so good for me and I don't always like it, but I trust him and I can take it from him anytime! “What would you do that for?” was his reply. I quickly said, for support (I honestly don’t know what that even meant in this case). He said; “I am sure you will make a friend.” I then did a thing, I wrote a post on the page about this being my first time coming and I am nervous about coming. After that I closed it and texted my coach: “Hi. I could use some feedback… In short, should I pay for my friend to go with me or go by myself?” I know I am a 50 year old grown adult who can make her own choices; however, sometimes I turn into a little girl when it comes to the unknown (she knows that about me already). I continued: “I guess I don’t know if I should go alone or reduce my anxiety by having my friend come later. It is kind of embarrassing that this is even a thing.”  My Life-Coach is another person who I trust completely and she gives it to me straight, she also knows I can be stubborn at times.  “It’s your reality, it’s OK that you feel this way. It’s new. I think you should go and settle in a day early and get your bearings. You got up the courage to register, and felt drawn to it. You can go alone and it will be a growth memory.” Go and experience was her advice. I love my Life-Coach so much. She is more than my coach. I learn so much from her to coach my own clients. I decided to go alone. 

God encouraged me after I took that leap of faith and posted vulnerably in the Facebook group. As I opened the notifications of comments from the post I wrote, I was so encouraged. Turns out I wasn’t alone in my feelings, other women who had never been before felt the same way, and women who had gone alone encouraged us that we will be okay!

As I prepared, I lifted to God my fears, worries, etc. By the time of the retreat, I had connected to these women and their hearts so much that they were no longer just strangers, they were women who had a lot in common with me. I was anxious and excited to go. 

I got picked up by two ladies in the group who graciously offered to pick me up from the train station. Once I got to my hotel, it turned out I registered at the wrong one! The one I registered for was 20 min driving.  I felt like the enemy was working overtime that day. I even got into two uncomfortable conversations with my hubby that morning. Because of the last minute cancellation, the hotel was unable to refund the first night and gave a partial refund for the other two. I paid for one night at a closer hotel and decided I could figure out the rest later. I was very tired that night. I firmly believe that if I had not given this weekend to God,  I would have been freaking out. 

Once I settled in the room, I put a post about my situation in the group page to see if anyone had extra bed in the room so I could split the cost. Everything was sold out. A mom responded that she could not go because her 3 year old had an epilepsy episode. She tried to cancel but the hotel would not give her a refund. I was able to take her room and get the rate for early registration. It was a very nice room on the 17th floor!

As I registered at the hotel I would be staying at, there were two ladies at the front desk. I saw a card that said ‘DMV’. I asked if they were attending the DMV group (one of the meetups at the retreat was going to be women from the District of Columbia, Maryland, Virginia). They clearly looked at me like they had no clue what I was talking about, so I said, “are you here with the Filled retreat?” They said, “yes”, I said. Hm… the theme of my last post. We connected for a few minutes  then we all went to Central Market together. We walked, we talked, we laughed, we ate. It was like we had known each other for a long time. It was so much fun. I eventually realized that their card meant Department of Motor Vehicles, I forgot that DMV stands for other things and I just assumed it was for the group meetup. We now laugh about it. Between laughing, eating, shopping and sharing our lives with each other we bonded.

We returned to the hotel from the market to register. We were given a sticker to put on our badge that said:  ‘First Time.” Now it was clear who was new to the event. While waiting for new friends I spotted one lady sitting alone and saw she had a first time sticker on also. I introduced myself and then her and my two new friends connected. As we were chatting another first timer saw our group and approached us. I’m not sure what we were saying that caught her interest. 

Saturday morning we met another lady at a coffee shop who was there for the retreat  and she joined us. Our group was now five and we hung out the whole weekend together. These women who I had only known for a few hours have become some of my closest friends automatically. I can’t wait to see them next year or via Facetime coffee! 

So let me get back to the bracelets. During one of the sessions there was a table of bracelets of different colors, each one representing a role you had as a mom in the foster/adoption community or as a mom in general. As I looked at those bracelets in the evening, I thought of the fact that each one represented one part of my life story as a mom. Overall it is a beautiful story and it’s still being written.

Our life journeys are filled with various life stories. How many more can I add if I take steps to get out of my comfort zone and if I need to reach out for a little push. Ginny, Jenny, Jenny, Angela and Sena are now part of my life story. And for that I am extremely grateful

My motto this year is: before I say no to the adventures that are placed in my path, I want to say; “let me see what I can do.” I wholeheartedly believe that if it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen. 

At this retreat I was Filled, I felt Seen and I walked away reminded that God is a God who Sees. 

One of my favorite sayings I found on the internet a few years ago is: “If you are afraid, do it scared.” To do something scared is hard, especially when something is unknown. I often have to remind myself that fear is only a feeling. I don't have to give it arms and legs, I just need to acknowledge it and choose what to do with it. 

What got me to the retreat was searching for a  retreat for an adoptive mom, what I got from there was a retreat for me, a mom who needed to be reminded that I serve the God who Sees. 

“She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” Genesis 16:13. Hagar has an amazing story in the Bible, if you are not familiar with it; I encourage you to read Genesis Chapter 16.