It’s October 8, 2021. Today's entry is not the product of a prayer or piece of journaling as they have been. Instead, it is about the impact working on this project has had on my personal life up to this point. 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV

By now I have read and highlighted stacks of prayers, reflections and a couple of letters I received from my husband also found themselves in the mix. Going through this has brought up a lot I was not in touch with, so I decided to begin therapy sessions. There is healing work to be done in areas of my heart and it’s a bit overwhelming. I believe that God's timing is perfect. He knows that now I have the time to deal with frozen hurts, losses I need to grieve, patterns I still struggle with in order to make radical changes, dreams deferred that activated my loss of vision, and gave room for complacency and so much more. 

“Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around.” Proverbs 13:12 MSG

God has made space for me to have a sudden good break in order to work on personal areas that will turn my life around. 

Although I found myself sad as undealt wounds were opened, something else happened. I am reminded of how walking with God got me through very difficult storms in my life. I am not talking about a superficial walk, but a deep walk where the only thing that got me through those hills and valleys was him holding me, because I could barely hold myself. 

Taking him with me on every high and every low, allowing him to give me what I need to get through each valley, and trusting that a time will come when he will let me know he has not forgotten about me. 

There is a reason why God says we must take time to remember what he did. It’s a powerful motivator to keep walking faithfully along the narrow road in difficult circumstances.

I had my first session to address things that have surfaced for working on this project. My therapist said, ”Perhaps this is the place God has created for you to give attention to things you couldn’t because you had to keep one foot in front of the other. It is time to show yourself compassion, celebrate victories and grieve losses you haven’t yet.”  

My therapist's words reminded me of my time when I was in my thirties and saw my first counselor who diagnosed me with severe panic attacks. He said something similar, “Your body seems to be needing to deal with some past stuff that is buried.” As I went through that process, I learned that I have a high tolerance for pain, that leads me to keep moving forward which is helpful in the moment but I can forget to address the feelings left behind. 

Here is a description from my book, “Caring for the Child Within - My journey through emotional healing” of when I got my official diagnosis to explain:

“My research showed me that a traumatic childhood or any kind of trauma could lead to a person having mental health problems, including severe anxiety or panic attacks.  It recommended that I consult a therapist to get to the root of the problem.

Without hesitation, the next morning I made an appointment with the first therapist I could find.  Luckily, I found someone who could see me that evening.

At the beginning of the meeting I felt like someone was asking me all the right questions, such as, “Do you feel like you're sweating profusely?” and “Do you feel like you are going to throw up?” “Does your heart beat so hard it feels like you are having a heart attack?” “Do you feel like you are going to faint?”  “Do you feel like you have a high fever?” And lastly, “Do you feel like you're about to die?” I said “Yes” to almost every question except for two of which I can’t remember.  

After the series of questions, the therapist told me, "You are having severe panic attacks.  There is something that is creating these attacks and we have to dig deep to find out what they are."   Google was right!”

One of the things that led to panic attacks was unhealed wounds, I wanted to forget it. However, in order to move forward and control these attacks, I needed to go back and dig into very painful areas. It wasn’t easy. I ran from it over and over. Eventually, I surrendered and learned healthy ways of coping. As I went over my old prayers, I discovered that my old coping skills didn’t just disappear. I still used them, but they just looked different, that’s why I was unaware. Just as before, I moved forward but I forgot to go back and address the feelings left behind.

This time it’s not the panic attacks that are leading me to therapy in order to address those feelings, by the grace of God my severe panic attacks are under control. Now, I believe with all my heart that God is saying “I didn’t forget about your pain or your hurt. Let’s talk about it now.” 

When I went through intense therapy in the past, I could not afford a christian counselor to deal with my childhood trauma. This time God has placed at my footstep someone who I love and respect and is also a disciple of Jesus to be my therapist. During  our intake session she said something similar to when I was first diagnosed with panic attacks, “It seems like there is some trauma you suffered during these past 25 years or so that is causing the sadness.” I honestly was a bit taken back. I didn’t want to admit this, but as I looked back at the prayers, I have had traumas from my family of churches. None inflicted by God but a product of sin or poor choices. 

As with my childhood trauma, I coped; but this time my coping was healthy. Somehow eventually I turned to God every time! I forgot to go back and address some issues in order to live free in Christ. The cool thing is that even though I forgot, God had not. He wants me to live free. 

I am now convinced that God wants to give me a special keepsake to enjoy and to share with my others on my 50th birthday in which I will say without a doubt, “ God has carried me for half a century, I trust and believe, He will carry until He calls me home with Him.” 

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4