Reflection from November 2, 2021.

Reading my old prayers has rekindled my spirit but it also has exposed some religious trauma/bullying that I faced in my walk with God in the ICOC.  If I ever wanted a reason to leave the ICOC family of church I have some now. I am not. 

I am reminded of the words of the Apostle Paul who said in Philippians 3:4 “Though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more…” 

Paul shares how he had proved that he had put confidence in the flesh. However what he chose instead is found in Philippians 3:7-9. Paul decided to put all aside in order to have a relationship with Jesus. He does so by “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14 

Becoming aware that some of my brothers and sisters were unkind and insensitive to me because I was “different” led me to be tempted to prove that I belong in this church. I focused at times on proving to people that God can work through me regardless of where I am from, how I sound, what I look like and how much I know. Focusing on people takes my focus away from God.

As I saw the hurts I was blind to, it reminded me that to heal the trauma from the bullying I experienced the first 25 years of my life took some work. Following is an excerpt from my book from “Lemons to Lemonade: Faith-Building Stories From Real Women”, that gives you an idea of that process.

“My days of weekly therapy turned into months, months turned into years and years turned into healing. After years of prayer... He saved my soul on May 26, 1996 and 10 years later he opened my heart to experience healing from my past. He gave me a new beginning. 

I am so grateful for the years of counseling I received. I was able to see clearly God as a Father who loves and protects me. I developed a deeper gratitude for Jesus' sacrifice. I built the deepest and most loyal friendships, including my husband. I learned to accept the things I could not change, including my dad, for who he is, not who I want him to be. I learned that I don’t always have to cry alone when I am hurting. I learned a lot of things, but the one that will stick with me from this experience is that we can hide from our pain, it eventually finds us. 

If it was up to me, I would run and hide from pain, but God has taught me that if I confront it, the blessings I receive are more than I could ask or imagine; it may even be a new beginning.” (published 2015)

I had to intentionally work on dealing with my past so God can help me move toward what’s ahead, Heaven. 

My birth family is something I can’t change. I either choose to accept it or separate myself from it. God is good, he taught me to accept it, including me since I am part of the family! The process continues. If  I hadn’t learned to, I would miss out on all the blessings that come from being a Shepherd (my maiden name) and being born in Panama!. 

As I embark on this journey of accepting the pain I suffered in my 25 years of intentionally walking with God, I am not walking away from my church family. I chose to be part of this spiritual family 25 years ago. I would not be where I am without them. God helped me heal the trauma of my first 25 years of life, he will help me with the ones I faced, inflicted by others and the ones I inflicted upon myself. There are a lot of highs and lows from my 25 years of being a follower of Jesus and part of the ICOC family of churches. I do trust God will heal me so I can forget the past and move toward the future. Heaven. 

I believe the time I am taking to work on this project is exactly what I need to continue in my walk with God to fix my eyes on Heaven regardless of the ups and downs on my spiritual journey.

Following is an excerpt from another prayer.

“Dear God we just got back, me and Cory from watching Selena, it was really impacting. I thought about how so many people cried for her. I remember how I can be so impatient with my kids but those things that make me angry I will miss them if they were gone. Help me to cherish and treasure every moment since no one is guaranteed a lifetime. I thought about how she got killed for money, please help me to not be a lover of money. Help me to think about what will count the day you decide to take me from this world. What will people remember about me, what would you remember about me when I was on earth. 

God I don’t deserve your love or mercy, but since you had compassion for me and blessed me with it, help me to become the daughter you can be pleased with. I need your mercy now more than I did before, so that I can live righteously for you. Please God don’t stop feeding me your love, so that I will be full of faith, hope and dreams, dreams to get to heaven. Love, Olivia” Written May 23, 1997.

Focusing on heaven propels me to work on things I am slacking in. It opens the door to heal wounds that became infected or I didn’t even know existed. Focusing on heaven led me to say, “Jesus is Lord”.

Ultimately, I don’t work on healing pain because myself or others deserve it, I do so because I hope to get to heaven one day and I don’t want bitterness and unforgiveness to cause to loose my focus. 

People ask me, what if there is no heaven? This question used to cause me to stumble. I would become flustered trying to find ways to prove to them that heaven is real. I wanted them to choose a relationship with God.  One day I realized that even if heaven is not real, and I sure do hope it is with all my heart, the way the Bible teaches me to live in order to get there, has brought out the best of me and continues to do so. It has shown me blind spots others or myself could not see. It has saved me physically, emotionally and mentally over and over again. 

Whatever pain I face I know I will be okay if I stay focused on pleasing God and imitating Jesus!

Thank you for reading.