"I'm prideful, not humble, and I am garbage. God help me accept that you love me the way I am. I feel like you can't love me when I mess up. I have so much hope for people and none for me... I think I will never learn what it means to give my whole heart to people. I want to learn what I can to make things better for your glory… Today my God, I want to surrender my whole life to you; please accept it. Love, Olivia" Written, March 30, 1997.

I love how raw I prayed. The only thing I will change is when I say I am garbage. I don’t believe I am garbage that is contrary to what Psalm 139 says: “… I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”

The day I wrote the excerpts above, I was ten months as a disciple. My spiritual birthday is May 26, 1996. I was beginning to learn a deeper meaning of what it means to be loved by God. I know we don't come out of the waters of baptism with perfect, come out forgiven. That understanding didn't stop me from placing high expectations on myself. 

I have learned to love others wholeheartedly in my twenty-five years of walking with God. I finally understand that I can only do so because I trust God loves me. God continues to take me on a journey of loving myself the way he created me. In the process, he teaches me to love others as he does. 

" For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40 NIV

Learning that God sent his son to save me was the foundation of many of the changes I have made in my life. As I learn to be more grateful for the spiritual salvation I enjoy, so does my ability to be more compassionate towards myself. I am more quick to extend that compassion to others. I also am more willing to put my heart out there even if I become heart broken. 

It helps me to remember that I often break God's heart, and he doesn't love me halfway. His love for me does not change because of my actions. 

Praying genuinely and authentically may not be pretty, but it's freeing. It frees me to put my whole trust in God. God heard my unedited prayer in 1997 and has made possible what I thought was impossible. I can continue to work on loving myself, and people with my whole heart. 

Jesus replied, "What is impossible with man is possible with God." Luke 18:27 NIV