I started this project around September 20, 2021. One of the first things I pulled out of the bin before I decided to focus on the prayers in the box was a journal a one of my close friends gifted me a month after publishing my first book. In it she wrote the following encouragement: “Happy Birthday Olivia! For this birthday I celebrate with you your dream of writing a book! I share your joy. Now keep writing. Don’t let anyone -even you- tell you to stop. I love you! Tamara 3/2015.” 

It’s been two months since I started reading old prayers and working on these keepsakes during my personal times with God. One common theme I found was that I prayed to be used by God in practically every prayer I read. It was clear, I found a purpose for my life. I wasn’t just a wife, a mom or what people wanted me to be, I was Olivia created by God for a purpose and that purpose was my daily pilot light that lit a fire in me every day. I was convinced that focusing on being used by God and serving him, will result in me being a good wife, mom and what people needed. 

The past couple months as I read over the prayers, I saw that over the  years my heart had gone from a servant of God, to entitled to be taken care of by God. I became an entitled christian. 

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:16-18 NIV.

“But even if he does not…” That’s it right there. I became entitled because there were many fires that from my perspective, God did not save me from. Some are still ongoing. Some I am begging him to save me from. Some I feel like I am close to becoming ashes. 

I honestly wish with my whole being that I could say, “but even if he does not…” I wish with my whole being to have the faith of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. The faith that leads me to say, I will not stop putting my faith in him.

I am grateful for scriptures like Mark 9:4: “Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” I need help often overcoming my unbelief.

They help me not to drown in a glass of water, instead to remember that God knows me and he will provide what I need to follow him even if it is a faith of mustard seed. (Matthew 18:20)

It is easy to look at me and see a servant of God; what’s not as obvious are the times I have not served God with my whole heart, or the times I hold back because I fear the pain that comes from the fire more than forsaken my first love. 

These past couple of months throughout this project I have been reminded that God wants to use me, but he needs me to want to be used by him. 

My heart is not there 100% to say “but even if not…” I want to be. I guess the only way to get there is accepting that my definition of God's way of saving me from the fire may not look like what I picture. I need to trust in his way.

God has saved me from fires over and over again, he has given me a purpose. It’s up to me to remember that I am no longer living a life without significance. I may be in a fire right now but I do not need to be afraid that God will save me. He already has many times!

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. To God be the glory!