I started this project around September 20, 2021. One of the first things I pulled out of the bin was a journal a friend gifted me with the following encouragement: “Happy Birthday Olivia! For this birthday I celebrate with you your dream of writing a book! I share your joy. Now keep writing. Don’t let anyone -even you- tell you to stop. I love you! Tamara 3/2015”. This was about a month after I had become a published author. 

It’s been two months since I started reading old prayers and working on these keepsakes. One common theme I found was that I prayed to be used by God. It was clear, I found a purpose for my life. I was created by God for a purpose and that purpose was my daily pilot light to light a fire in me every day. I was convinced that focusing on being used by God or focus on serving him, will result in me being a woman pleasing to God. 

Sadly. overtime as I grew in Christian years, my heart went from a servant of God to feeling entitled to be taken care of by God. I don’t know when or how I became an entitled christian. 

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:16 - 18NIV.

“But even if he does not…” That’s it right there. I became entitled because there were many fires God did not save me from. Some are still ongoing. Some I am begging him to save me from. Some I feel like I am close to becoming ashes. 

I honestly wish with my whole being that I could say, “but even if he does not…” I wish with my whole being to have the faith of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and believe God will save, but even if he does not I will not change, I will not stop serving him. Sadly, that’s not how I feel at times.

If anyone looks at me they will say I serve God, and they won’t lying I do serve God. What they can’t see are the times I hold back; when I start fearing the pain that comes from the fire more than my first love. 

My heart is not there 100% to say “but even if not…” I want to be. I guess the only way to get there is accepting that my definition of God's way of saving me from the fire may not look like what I picture.  

If I take time to look closely, I can see God has saved me from the fire over and over again, he has given me a purpose. It’s up to me to remember that I am no longer burning in living a life without significance. I am saved!

Thank you for reading.