I have done a lot of writing and talking about my dad's baptism. However, I realized as I spoke with my friend Gail today, that I keep saying that I have to make time to sit and think about my trip and all that God has done. What has held me back from doing so is that this is a miracle I had stopped praying for in 1999, a few years after I became a Christian.

After I became a Christian, I believed that God would do a miracle and transform my dad and it was going to be mind blowing. That’s not what happened. On the contrary, God taught me that it was me who needed changing. I needed to learn to love my dad just as he was. Regardless if he ever changed or asked for forgiveness for the things he put us through while growing up. It took years to get there. It started with practicing one scripture: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14

When I read that passage during my Bible studies, it did not qualify the type of sin, it just says; forgive if you want to be forgiven. That scripture called me to a decision and I chose to forgive. I wasn’t sure what that would look like when it came to my dad. I just knew what it looked like for God to forgive me and that meant I was given something, a gift I didn’t deserve. I knew my dad didn’t deserve my forgiveness, but the truth is I don't deserve God’s forgiveness and he still made it available to me through Jesus.

In my book I write about how my intellectual forgiveness changed to forgiving from the depth of my heart. Something only possible with God (Luke 18:27). God taught me to love my dad, not just tolerate him but accept him for who he was.

In 2014, God opened the door for me to share with Spanish speaking women about the way God is working in my life, that includes sharing at women’s conferences, retreat, small group setting and more. On that journey I met many women and Diana Coello is one that God used as an instrumental part in my story with my dad.

At the beginning of 2015 my dad had a severe mental health breakdown. That was a few weeks before I was to go speak in Tegucigalpa in March. Diana invited me as a guest speaker for an event. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to attend because my dad wasn’t doing too well. Speaking with my uncle was helpful that rushing to Panama wasn’t going to change the situation. These breakdowns were not new.

I took the trip and planned to go right after I was done. Diana and I talked for hours during the free time we had and created a great bond. I shared with her about my dad's current state and that I will be traveling to Panama. Diana lovingly said: “Olivia you should offer to share a devotional for the sisters in Panama while you are there.” Immediately I said, "I can't, that will be too painful." It was one thing to share with women in other places about the healing in my life but to share in my own country, that felt too close to home, emotionally and literally. She insisted: “Olivia this will be good for you. You need encouragement when you are there and it will be good to encourage the sisters also. I know the women’s ministry leader there, we are good friends. I can reach out to her to see if you can share."

I agreed. The sisters in my sister church in Panama would see me speaking at conferences, and talking about my book, “From Lemons to Lemonade'', I could see how having me share for them will encourage them since I was from Panama.

The evening I shared is imprinted on my mind. I can’t remember everything I said, I didn’t have a lot of notes. I spoke from the heart, I felt transparent. Although I didn’t know a lot of these women on a personal level, the bond we have in Christ was enough for me to feel safe. It was not a large group of women. One of the things I remember saying was: , "I can’t even tell my dad I am speaking here because I won’t want him to come and cause a scene."

At the end of my sharing they thanked me for sharing and said they would pray for my situation. They all said how inspired they were by my willingness to give in the midst of my pain. I had no idea how much I needed that and how much healing it brought to my soul to share about God and his work in my life in place of birth. I am moved to tears thinking of that moment. I left Panama filled and encouraged in spite of all that was going on.

After leaving, my dad continued to decline in his mental health. I knew that what was coming was like putting a bandage on a wound that needs surgery. Sadly there wasn’t much we could do. The law did not permit us to have him admitted against his will, he hurt himself or someone else, or he states that he has intent to take someone's life. Pretty stupid if you ask me under the mental condition he was at during that time.

My family and I continued to work on getting him help to be safe. I again flew back to Panama hoping for something to change. After much convincing he agreed to be admitted. His psychiatrist of 30 years was on vacation but she replied to the call and said that upon her return she will have him admitted. We needed her approval since this was a voluntary admittance. I left on a Monday. She was returning on a Tuesday and my uncle who is my dad's brother-in-law and has cared for him in the highs and lows. It’s amazing and I will be forever grateful for the love my uncle has shown my dad.

Bright and early on Tuesday, I called the psychiatrist to make sure everything was still on track. Her son picked up the phone and communicated that she died on her way home from the trip. I was shocked and felt sad for her son.

The news created an immediate feeling of sorrow and helplessness in my heart. I knew that my dad would not agree to be admitted anytime soon. It will take him a while to agree to a new psychiatrist. I was heartbroken and honestly felt that one day I was going to get a call that he was found dead on the street. Having him come to the U.S was not an option. I continued to pray that God works things out. Our hands were tied.

Before all this took place I planned to visit my friend Jannett in San Diego, and while there I was invited to do a devotional for the spanish speaking sisters. I was very happy to do this. Although I was looking forward to going when we planned it, the recent developments with my dad caused me to feel heavy hearted about traveling. But so far I was still going to go.

Then something bad happened (at least that’s how it felt at the time) that was completely unexpected. I got a call from my sister asking if I had seen the social media post about my dad. A woman we knew from childhood recorded my dad and put him on social media with the following statement: “This man is terrorizing our streets.” Her choice of words were exaggerated, I know because trusted sources gave us a clear picture of what was going on. It was far from what she was describing. Regardless, seeing my dad displayed on social media as the town terrorist was very traumatic.

There were a lot of exchanges in the comments with my sister who tried to reason with this woman. One guy in the comment said: “leave that man alone he is not hurting anybody.” That soothed my soul. However, the woman didn’t stop. In all the comments she made the following caused me to shrink: “Olivia is helping women and can’t even help her own father.” I didn’t know how to respond. I struggle with imposter syndrome, and this definitely magnified it. Steve Brand, my Life Coach at the time, encouraged me to stop engaging in the comments or reading them and trust the Lord will fight for me. Pretty hard to believe at the time but it seemed better to try to fight to believe that than to fight with a woman via social media determined to attack my dad and his family.

I had so many reactions to this development and not all were pretty. One time I said to my husband: I don’t want any posts or pictures about me sharing at conferences on social media. I am probably going to cancel the events I have coming up, including the one in San Diego in a couple of weeks. Yep, I panicked. My husband was patient and listening.

I was emotionally flustered as I was talking. When I was done talking or maybe it was when I took a breath and he decided to jump in, my hubby said, “Honey your dad has been mentally ill your whole life. Why do you think now someone will put a video of him and tag you? This is the work of the enemy and if you stop allowing yourself to be used by God, he wins.” Wow, looking back at this, go hubby! His words soothed my anxious soul.

After talking, I went to sleep. I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. But before, I did one thing. I wrote a vulnerable post in a private group I facilitated on Facebook of spanish speaking women that are part of the International Churches of Christ. I also included my list of close friends on Facebook. I turned off the light and went to bed. My energy was completely depleted and I felt totally drained.

Then something beautiful happened while I was sleeping. Sisters from the group, over 70 of them, wrote that they will pray, some agreed to fast, and some created a prayer chain. Through the day the comment section grew more and more with sisters committing to pray for what was going on. I was overwhelmed by the love I saw. It was totally unexpected.

The next three days were brutal. My dad went from bad to worse. One day he was found on the street unable to really get up and was taken to the hospital. He was finally admitted, which is what we wanted to get help to stabilize his mental health.

The story doesn’t end there. Once that happened, Hector asked me how he could help my dad. I asked if they could go and clean the house. It was in bad shape. The ICOC in Panama HOPE Chapter cleansed and fumigated the whole house. As my friend said, it is something when you participate in HOPE projects but it is a whole other thing when you are the whole project. So humbling. Since my dad was admitted in 2015, it has not been easy. He has been transferred from facilities due to their inability to care for his mental health.

In March 2022, the facility where my dad was residing contacted my uncle. My dad stopped breathing so they called the ambulance. They were able to get him to breathe and kept him in the hospital hoping for progress. It wasn’t easy to just fly out there due to all the COVID restrictions especially in hospitals. I was able to talk to the head doctor daily.

After weeks of no progress the doctor advised us to come up with a decision on how to move forward. Basically, were we willing to sign a DNR or let him stay on a breathing machine. He also said we should come as soon as possible to see him. As a family, we decided unanimously to agree to a DNR. My sister and I flew within a couple days to make it official. My oldest son gave me the best advice, “Mom, you can tell the doctor to do whatever it takes to keep him alive until you get there even if he has to stay on a ventilator.” It’s moments like this when I see God intervening in all the details. When my sister and I arrived, we saw why the doctor said don’t wait. We signed the DNR.

I took a picture to show my those who had been praying for my dad that I had made it to Panama and was able to see him!

They began to reduce the oxygen tubes he was to let his body do what it was going to do. Within four days he was practically breathing on his own with a small tube. But he was not out of the woods yet. My sister returned home after four days. Since I have a more flexible schedule I had planned to stay two extra days.

I wasn’t 100% sure what to do when my time to leave was up. Again, God intervened. I spoke with a friend at great length who had lost her dad and she said that I needed to leave when I was at peace, especially if my husband was not opposed to me extending my trip. I ended up staying for two weeks.

Every time I went to see my dad I would pray out loud before I left. I will also sing, so he started requesting for me to sing. I sang like I was born to sing everytime he asked me. The poor nurses. The doctors were amazed at his progress.

As I mentioned, there were a lot of protocols for COVID, in spite of that, I was allowed to see him everyday for 15 to 20min. The doctors agreed that seeing my sister and me, and also my aunt who went in to see him regularly, was helpful. Their exact words to me: “We believe your presence is bringing him back to life.” It was so nice and there were so many memories built in the hospital. Many beautiful memories. This was the first time since I left my country I got to see my dad every day for two weeks.

Every day I prayed for him, and with him. At times I literally said, “God I don’t know what to pray for.” Also, I was conflicted on how long to stay. His condition was unpredictable. I had two journals in which I wrote everyday. Today, they are completely full. I wanted to record every feeling I had from the time I left Virginia to sign a DNR till I came home. I wanted to capture every moment as much as I could. Maybe one day I will type it all out and write it.

Honestly, if my dad had died, I would have felt that I received the greatest gift with him because memories were built in two weeks that will last a lifetime. The amazing thing is that the memories built were the start of a beautiful beginning not the end that I thought was coming.

Below are excerpts from the journals. I took time to read them and I am so grateful I wrote in them as they remind me that there is One Miracle Worker!

March 20, 2022: “It’s Sunday I am on my way to Panama to see my dad, my earthly father. He is dying…”

April 1, 2022: “I would have never imagined that I would be in Panama this long visiting my dad daily for 10 - 20min a day… I realized from talking to my friend that I was struggling because I was torn on when to leave. I didn’t want my dad to close his eyes forever and be alone. God, you spoke to my heart and showed me that regardless of who is by his side when that day comes, he will have no doubt that he was not abandoned, and that he was loved. You have shown him kindness… God you know his heart, test him, you know his anxious thoughts, see if there is any way he in his mind has not given over to you and lead him in the way everlasting.”

April 5, 2022: “God thank you for bringing me home safely… Dad I won’t see you today but I am thinking of you… I pray that you remember as you stare at my family pictures that you are loved. I pray you are treated with love and respect. I know this is silly. I pray someone prays with you today…”

May 18, 2022: Ricardo le introduzco a mi papa… Papa, este es Ricardo el va a estudiar la Biblia con usted. (Ricardo this is my dad… Dad this is Ricardo he will be the one studying the Bible with you.)

August 9, 2022: Olivia I studied repentance and baptism. Although I was baptized before I am finding out more about baptism. I don’t quite understand.

September 1, 2022: I am close to being baptized.

September 25, 2022: “Today my dad is getting baptized.”