October 25, 2021. I finished all the prayers/letters from the box in the bin. I am taking a month break before opening the bin again and continuing reading what I have stored. I feel a lot of emotions. With the help of an extensive and in-depth list of feelings from the book, “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webbb, PHP with Christine Musello, PsyD., I hope to do justice in describing what I feel from working on this project. 

I am thankful for every prayer and letter I read. I feel sad that the things I had learned as a baby christian had become lost or frozen. I also feel liberated, free and awake. Also, surprised at all that was exposed. It was more than I imagined it would be. 

I feel sorrowful that going through the prayers and letters made clear that over time I began to focus more on what people think more of me more than what God thinks. My focus on people can often lead me to hold back in doing what God calls me to. It’s sad how at times I can fear man more than God. It breaks my heart to see that. 

I am guilty of allowing myself to cool down spiritually. It will be awkward to move forward because my flesh has become comfortable in various areas. I am perturbed that I lost myself in those areas. I feel grateful to be exposed. I feel closer to God. I am reminded that seeking God does not end when a group of women open the Bible with me. Seeking God is a journey. 

Sadly, at times I stop seeking God because I fear being ridiculed, laughed at, forgotten, neglected, rejected by the people around me. 

I feel fortunate that God placed in my heart a way to return back to seeking him wholeheartedly in areas I had grown cold. I feel loved by God because he could have left me sleeping. 

Truthfully, I am a little concerned about where this is all going for me personally. Usually I have found that when God is calling me to repent of something or develop a conviction about something, it is because I am going to need it for what he has planned. 

Through these prayers, God has called me to return to the purity and innocence of having a relationship with him. In that purity and innocence I was radical. 

I didn’t have the correct way of doing things but I did have the heart to serve God from the moment I opened my eyes. My blessings and victories do not come from my own power. 

God is calling me to repent and become a woman of influence from my heart. To give others an opportunity to grow in their relationship with God. To live free of pleasing men. To be brave even when I am afraid. To be unique even if I don’t like it. To be assertive even if others don’t agree with me. To be courageous. To be eager to follow his lead. To be hopeful. 

God has created me bright, observant and imaginative. He has transformed and continues to do so into a thoughtful, caring, grateful, and wise (honestly, I don’t want to write wise but it is true. I am not all knowing but God has filled me with some wisdom). He has made me skilled, dedicated, loyal, and generous. At this point I want to stop writing. I know I haven’t arrived at any of these things. I also know God has miraculously made these areas sharper and I need to stop ignoring that fact. 

God has taught me that true responsibility is shown when you stick to your commitment in spite of the many ways Satan is providing a way out. 

God has taught me to be warm and kind to those who are good and not good to me. To be nurturing and a better communicator. That I can have internal peace regardless of the outward chaos I may be living in. To embrace that I am pretty filled with attributes that allow others to be captivated. 

I am taking a break from this project because this is a lot to process, accept, remember, repent of, grieve, share, and remember. 

As I come to the end of this entry I am reminded that the day I decided that Jesus will be Lord of my life, I made that decision fully aware that I had no idea of what my life will look like. I made that decision because for the first time someone heard my cry and saw the hidden tears along with the distress in my heart, the lack of forgiveness, arrogance, and fakeness that controlled me. Someone saw my fears, nightmares, deep sorrows, needs, and dreams. God saw me and that was enough for me to say, I want to be your servant. 

That’s why Psalm 116 became my favorite Psalm. God saw me and that was ENOUGH. 

I am grateful to be reminded that God still sees me! If you have read this far, thank you!!!! 

I am looking forward to returning and reading the keepsakes God has coming for me to learn and share with you. 

Luke 22: 31-32 says: “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” 

Satan wants to sift us as wheat. I am glad that Jesus prays for us and I am grateful I can do my part of doing something to strengthen others. 

Psalm 116 MSG.

“I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy.

He listened so intently as I laid out my case before him.

Death stared me in the face,  hell was hard on my heels.

Up against it, I didn’t know which way to turn;  then I called out to God for help:

“Please, God!” I cried out. “Save my life!”

God is gracious—it is he who makes things right, our most compassionate God.

God takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.

 I said to myself, “Relax and rest.

 God has showered you with blessings.

 Soul, you’ve been rescued from death; Eye, you’ve been rescued from tears; And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling.”

I’m striding in the presence of God, alive in the land of the living!

I stayed faithful, though overwhelmed, and despite a ton of bad luck,

Despite giving up on the human race, saying, “They’re all liars and cheats.”

What can I give back to God for the blessings he’s poured out on me?

I’ll lift high the cup of salvation—a toast to God!  

I’ll pray in the name of God; I’ll complete what I promised God I’d do, and I’ll do it together with his people.

When they arrive at the gates of death, God welcomes those who love him.

Oh, God, here I am, your servant,  your faithful servant: set me free for your service!

I’m ready to offer the thanksgiving sacrifice and pray in the name of God.

I’ll complete what I promised God I’d do, and I’ll do it in company with his people,

In the place of worship, in God’s house, in Jerusalem, God’s city.

Hallelujah!