Inspired by a talk with my friend Jenny.

I could not sleep. It had been a tough day emotionally. Every time I acknowledge my emotional pain is a victory for me because I naturally want to minimize my hurt. I know that hurtful things are going on in the world. My difficult past couple of days are nothing compared to that. Today I am choosing to not compare myself and say, "I had a difficult day.” The emotions and feelings of facing some heartaches over the past couple of weeks rained on me, leaving me soaked in pain and hurt. I started crying in the afternoon and continued periodically throughout the evening. I could not have a good night's sleep for several reasons, including my dog. My dog, Peace, was whining (I think he is constipated). 

Then, I woke to a text from my friend Jenny. I usually don't answer or make calls unless planned because I need to have my morning spiritual routine. But, this morning, I decided to respond to her text and call her. She was following up on something we had talked about recently that we both are working on.

As soon as I heard her voice, I burst into tears and said, "Yesterday was a difficult day." With exceptional gentleness, she said, "I am sorry. What happened?" After waiting for me to catch my breath, she said, "You don't have to share if you don't want to, I am here." I wanted to talk, but I was grateful for the moment of silence. After catching my breath, I shared. She listened, provided comforting words, and asked some questions in between to help me process some feelings. Toward the end of the talk, I expressed that I felt like I was making no sense. Jenny  said, "You actually are very insightful; maybe it's your coaching training.” (shameless plug) She concluded by saying, “With the insights you now have become aware of, you have to decide what you want to do with all of that." We ended our talk and I thanked her for listening. 

Although I still felt weepy after talking, I felt refreshed. I sat down in my usual spot to start my spiritual morning routine. Jenny's question about what I want to do with what I became aware of in our conversation was swimming in my mind. I didn't know what to do because I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. Saying I feel sad didn't seem to capture my emotions. As I pondered on it, Romans 8:26 came to mind: "We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us." I decided to look up the passage and read Romans 8:18-30.

Something stood out I had never focused on before:

"And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us." Romans 8:23 NLT.

"We believers also groan even though we have the Holy Spirit..." I was so encouraged to read this. God's Word gave the word to accurately describe how I felt. 

Having the Holy Spirit does not exempt me from feeling deep pain, a pain I can't, at times, describe in human terms. Amid that pain, I can rejoice because I have hope. The hope of redemption (see Romans 8:23 NIV) brings me comfort. It reminds me of 2 Corinthians 4:16-17, which says: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly, we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 

I don't believe this means God wants me to minimize my pain as light and temporary, instead, He wants to remind me that it is light enough for Him to carry because He went through the most painful pain ever on the day Jesus died on the cross.

I am grateful I can take my pain to Jesus. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

On the inside, I still feel like I am groaning. When the feeling seems unbearable or intense, I can focus on Jesus to keep moving forward. I guess the only way to deal with the groaning until my body is redeemed from this world is to fix my eyes on Jesus every time my soul groans.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a] Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;[c] then you won’t become weary and give up.” Hebrews 12:1-3 NLT.