Experiencing a loss is one of those things no one can prepare you for. Although I have not personally had this experience, I have heard from people who I care about, that even when they know that the end is near for someone they cared about, it's still not something you are prepared for. Most of the losses I have experienced with close family members or friends have been unexpected. I can honestly count on one hand the times I have truly wept over the loss of someone. I have wept for the losses others have experienced, or the loss a close friend is experiencing. In my 51 years of life, I can count on one hand the loss of another human being that I was close to. 

Recently someone told me that in a year they had lost eight people close to their heart. I can’t even imagine. Don’t get me wrong, I feel sad and even cry when I hear of certain deaths.  But to truly weep, and feel that something in my heart has broken, that is rare. Last month I wept, not for the loss of someone, but the anticipation of losing someone. 

I went to see my dad to surprise him for his 79th birthday. It was refreshing. His spirit and mind are in the best place they’ve ever been. I spent more time with him than I had since I left my country years ago. I laughed, danced, cried, read, had deep talks and more in my time with him. I was with him from Sunday to Sunday so we built many memories. I used almost all the hours I had to be with him. However, there was a reality that I understood intellectually but emotionally I was detached from. Although mentally and spiritually he was the best he had ever been, physically he was not. He is very weak. It reminds me of Matthew 26:41, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

My dad has been a literal example of what prayer can do to help a weak flesh stay strong. I watched him pray for surrender and ask for healing at the same time. He is also a good example of what it looks like to be content in every situation (Philippians 4:11-13). During my visit I talked to my dad about his end of life desires. How will he want to be celebrated when he passes (I must confess, writing “when” is not easy for me). That could be any day or years from now, but the realization of the end of his existence on this earth is coming is something I know, is part of life, but actually saying it in his current circumstances brings up lots of emotions. 

Visiting my dad left me with memories I hope to treasure forever. I feel like a piece of my heart was left in Panama when I boarded my flight on Sunday July, 23, 2023. A piece of my heart I don’t want back, I just want to learn to live without it. 

Some of the memories that bring joy to my heart are: almost choking him while feeding him. When he was done swallowing I would say as I laughed; “ Papi, lo estoy asfixiando con la comida. Me olvidé cómo alimentar a alguien. Hace tiempo que no hago esto.” (Dad, I am choking you with the food because I forgot how to feed someone. I haven't done this in a while.). Another one was while talking about end of life stuff; I asked him who will he leave the million dollars he has saved up to.

Upon my return home, I’d share about my time and show  pictures of our time together to friends and family who wanted to hear about my trip; that’s when I was hit with one reality: I have aging parents. Right now my dad’s body is aging at a faster rate than my mom’s.  As I wrestle with how to pray, I remember a prayer request on my prayer list. 

A couple of months ago, Crescenda Jones asked for prayers for her mom who has Alzheimer's/dementia and it’s deteriorating. Her request was to pray for a very short time of any/all suffering. I have been praying for that. Crescenda and I met at a book signing event at church and although we don’t talk frequently, we are Facebook friends and her posts occasionally appear in my feed, so when I saw the request I wrote it down. Her prayer request is what God used to help me begin to move my confused heart to peace and surrender. 

As I thought about her request and similar prayer requests close friends have had for their parents, I can understand better how conflicted it is to bring yourself to ask for such a prayer. My dad has had many times where I have prayed for God to not allow him to suffer, but this time was different. This time is not because he is in turmoil, this time he is peaceful and content and surrendered to God’s will, this time his body is aging. 

I’m not sure what this all means…Would he stay Iike this or regain his strength?? One thing I know, this will be life with him, lots of ups and downs as we move forward… he is aging. 

While visiting my dad his answer to my questions will often be, “Only God knows.” As I laughed at his reply, I will say yes that is true, but I need you to communicate with me an answer so I can know what direction to go.” 

One of the things I felt when I got home and began to process my trip is: my dad will not want to live like this, unable to do anything for himself. Because of that I felt conflicted on how and what to pray. Praying to surrender seemed cliché, yet that’s what I did. Nothing else helps. 

One day as I came to God with all this, I was reminded that there is a bigger picture to our suffering. Jesus’ suffering brought us salvation and allowed us to have a relationship with God. It made me think of the elderly, including my dad, in the assisted living home he resides. Their lifes bring joy to the aids who care for them. One aid lost her dad at 80 after being told that he had three months to live; another lost her son at age 21 from COVID. As I think of the care my dad receives, I am amazed at how these women truly do this work because they love it. My dad’s life is bringing them joy. Although he can’t do things for himself, God is using him. He and the other residents are a reason for these women to get up every morning and have a sense of purpose. 

For the first time, I saw my dad’s situation as a gift to others. I have no idea if my dad will miraculously bounce back; what I do know is, right now, I want to enjoy that God is using him in ways he probably can’t even imagine. One of the ways he is being used by God is he’s an example to me in learning how to be content in every situation. 

Why do I share this? I share because I know I am not alone in this stage of life, and perhaps this will encourage someone who is grieving or as I learned recently, someone who is experiencing something called, “anticipatory grief”. I also share because as I shared my thoughts with a friend who is going through similar things with her dad, she said: that was nice, it’s the silver lining into this circumstance. 

I saw a post someone shared on a piece of art about living with a broken heart. I found the art to visually explain what living with a broken heart can look like. I am grateful that God is near the broken hearted.

Pray for my dad to continue to be content and clear minded as only God knows the journey he is on.