Loose Ends.
June - August were very hectic months. Though I was ready for the remodeling of our house, I forgot that everything else wasn’t going to just freeze because I had a big project going on. When we decided to remodel our house, I was very strategic in picking the days. I gave myself enough time to have everything organized before the remodeling began. When the remodeling started, I can say I was pretty organized. Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication between the boss and one of his employees on the day of the work, which added some extra un-expected preparations. Floor dust was everywhere as they started pulling apart the kitchen. At that moment I realized the remodeling process would NOT be pleasant, no matter how much I prepared. I like to have some control over everything, but, little by little, I was losing it. Then in the midst of all the chaos, more things happened in my life personally, as well as the lives of my loved ones. I found myself trying to keep up with all the demands that were coming, preparing myself for the commitments I had made. One cool thing about being a Life~Coach is that, as I work with my clients, I am constantly reminded of tools I need to keep using. Thanks to those tools, I was able to stay afloat with all the demands and commitments.
One of the commitments I had made was to volunteer for S.W.O.C (Special Week of Camp). I was very much looking forward to this. Yes, it was an opportunity to serve and give, but there was another reason I could not wait. I was looking forward to shutting everything off. The week before S.W.O.C, so much was happening I couldn't handle all the chaos. I broke down and burst into tears, but I was able to bounce back and kept going. The morning we left for S.W.O.C, I wrote in my morning check-in journal for myself the following:
“I feel ready to focus on S.W.O.C. It’s been a lot these weeks with the remodeling and it’s going to be nice to have one focus. One thing I want to make sure of is to have a daily date with Gabe. I will not be taking my morning assessment of myself until I am back from camp. While there I want my times to be Bible and God. The scripture that pops in my mind is my soul pants for God.” 8/7/21 (unedited entry from my journal).
It will help you to know that I have been doing a morning assessment of myself since the beginning of the year. I have been disciplined with this, even when I am out of town.
I was very much looking forward to my time at camp. The idea of sitting by the lake, reading my Bible, singing and praying early in the morning made my soul feel so good. I decided to bring my journal because I had planned to have a coaching session with my life-coach while at camp, and there was something I had written I wanted to bring up to her. When we finally made it to S.W.O.C, I was beyond excited. We hit the ground running, by the evening I was extremely exhausted. The next morning I did not wake up to my alarm as my custom, instead I slept in until it was time to start my responsibilities for the day. I gave myself grace and said to myself, “It's okay, I will make sure to get up tomorrow”. But when the next day came, I ignored my alarm and stayed in bed until the responsibilities for the day were about to start.
Although I was grateful I had reminded my life-coach the first day I got there if we could have an appointment while I was at S.W.O.C, every time I saw her, I became more and more okay with the fact that she seemed to have forgotten. I wasn’t going to remind her, as I felt I had no time for a coaching session. On August 10th, she texted me saying “Would a session one of these afternoons after 2:00 work for you?”. I replied with a thinking emoji, followed by, “I will get back to you ASAP”. Obviously, she could not see the thoughts running in my mind as I sent my reply. I was thinking how do I say “Can we not have a session? I have a lot going on. I haven’t even had my time with God”. I felt completely overwhelmed and the idea of sitting in a session was not appealing to me at all. I had enough common sense to know that this wasn't a good reason to cancel. When I’m coaching others, I usually tell my clients that if they cancel a session 48 hours prior, because they feel they don’t have the time, there would be a cancellation fee of half the cost of a normal session. But, if it’s an emergency, I won’t charge them any fees.
Anyway, I told my coach that we could meet up the next day at 2:30. This is me choosing to practice what I preach, even though I did not feel like having a session. She replied with a thumbs up, but a few minutes later she asked to change the session to 2, because she forgot about an appointment she scheduled before. I honestly wanted to tell her to forget about meeting for a session, but I knew it was based on a feeling, so I decided to say yes. She replied with a thanks and a happy emoji. Positive feelings did not flow as I stared strongly at the smiling emoji. As the time for the session got closer and closer, my feelings about not having the session grew. The outside weather was dangerously hot, so the first thing I felt when I walked in her room was the amazing cool air of the AC. I sat and sank my body in the seat. Like every session, we started with a prayer. I confessed to her that I didn’t want to come, and that I had something I wanted to talk to her about. I wrote about it but purposely I left my book, because I didn’t want to deal with anything. I told her I had not been having my times with God, which was the very thing I was looking forward to. I shared that I had 3 different things to focus on while I was at S.W.O.C. I was doing one very well, one not so much, and one not at all. My time with God was the one I didn’t put time in at all.
I love the response my life-coach gave me. She said, “That's interesting, you take it seriously and not in a prideful way, but in a, this is a must for me seriously, your times with God. I wonder what you are avoiding?” I said, “I don’t think I am trying to avoid anything, I just don’t know why this is so difficult. I heard my alarm and consciously chose to not get out of bed. I feel like I need a lot of time with God and I guess I just don’t want to take the 15 minutes, because I feel it is not going to be enough”. She replied, “Yes, but it’s better than nothing. You need it. There are a lot of loose ends you left before coming to camp. Some are pretty difficult. You won’t have time to address everything, but you need to have some time to connect with God. She continued saying of herself: “I have not had times like I want, but I make sure I have some time. I need it.” You need to make the time.” At that point, I felt my heart melting. I did need some time, but I was afraid it won’t be enough time for me to walk away comforted and at peace. I was afraid I would walk away from my time with God more overwhelmed because I would pour stuff out that was on my heart to God, not have any closure and then have to stop to go and serve. But my life-coach was right, I needed to have some quality connecting time with my Father in Heaven.
We ended our session with her promising to follow up with me on this. And she did exactly what she said she would. The next morning, as I walked to the waterfront, she texted me, “Listen to that alarm this morning”. I happily replied, “Good morning. I love you so much! I am up, showered, and walking to the waterfront”. I smiled as I wrote the text. She then said “Watch your step”, followed by a smiling emoji, and why she said that is a whole other story. Before I got out of bed, I wrote the following in my morning assessment journal:
“Yes! I am up bright and early. It’s so quiet at camp right now. The scripture that pops into my mind right now is Gal 3:1-6” 8/11/21
That morning, I was like a child ready to spend time in the arms of my father. I didn’t care if I was tired, I didn’t care that I had a full day ahead, I was only looking forward to sitting with my God. While at the waterfront, I thought about what Julie said about loose ends. I took time to write all the “loose ends” that were weighing me down so much I was afraid to see them. I wrote them all out. The list was long. I have the list, though I haven’t looked at it yet and today is August 23rd, 2021. I wrote and made the decision that I will focus on the last couple days of S.W.O.C, have my time with Gabe, come back focus on taking my girl to college, and Gabriel to occupational therapy doctor, and then I will look at these “loose ends”.
It was a time of refreshment to sit and enjoy one of my favorite places at this camp. During my time with God, I was reminded that there is a time for everything. God will provide the time for me to seal the loose ends. Until then, all he asked for me to feel peace is to cast my anxieties on him because he cares. What has been nice is that after more loose ends have developed, now I just add them to the list. I will get to them. I will organize my schedule and insert times to address loose ends, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some were sealed by God already.
“Pour out all your worries and stress upon him and leave them there, for he always tenderly cares for you.” I Peter 5:7 TPT.