“I feel stuck in a body I don’t like”
“I feel stuck in a body I don’t like.” Those were the words a young adult friend shared with me in private. This was the first time this friend shared this with me. After thanking my friend for sharing their feelings with me, I asked if they were open to feedback, they quickly replied, “No thank you.” I respected what they asked and said, I would love to share my feedback when you are ready. As I drove away, I meditated on our conversation while connecting with God. Meaning, I wasn’t exactly praying, it was more like giving God my thoughts. As I opened up to God, I was reminded of how I felt at my friends' age. Later, I connected with my friend and that connection is what inspired me to write this post.
During my teen years, I also felt stuck in a body I didn’t like, desiring to be in someone else's body. It was obvious others didn’t like it either from their verbal and non-verbal communication. I also didn’t like my hair, but at least I had a way to ignore it by putting in extensions to make it look in a way that I could tolerate what I saw in the mirror.
Weight has always been a roller coaster for me; in fact, I currently don’t weigh the recommended weight for my height. I look at pictures of me and I go from heavy, to looking fit, to skinny. At one point I weighed over 165 pounds. I did a program called Jenny Craig and lost 30 pounds in a couple of months. I felt physically good, but hearing people saying I was “too skinny” made me insecure and I started eating again and gained weight.
I became a Christian in my twenties and read that debauchery is a sin (Galatians 5:19-20). This awareness helped me to work on overeating out of obedience to God. However, it was a struggle, because some people thought I looked fine and others thought the opposite. I still remember being in a potluck line at my church and someone whom I love and respect saw the amount of food I served on my plate and said, “You better put more food on that plate. You need to feed your body.” I laughed and said something like, “I am just not that hungry”, but the truth was I was embarrassed. I really wanted to say to that person, “I’ve never felt healthier and I enjoy that I am eating better” but I did not. I don’t judge the comment because I am sure I have made comments or shared my opinion about someone not knowing what they are dealing with in their personal lifes. I have gotten better at breaking this bad habit. The fact is I have no idea what a person is working on so I really need to be thoughtful before I speak.
Needless to say, dieting out of obedience to God did not last. It kept me on a roller coaster because I was not addressing my heart, only my behavior. Whenever my clothes started feeling tight, I would do something drastic to lose weight. I have done so many diets: Slim Fast, The Weigh Down Diet, South Beach Diet, Weight Watchers (many times and various ways), MyFitnessPal (many times), Eat right for your blood type, NutriSystem, HCG diet, fruit and vegetables only diet, no carb diet, no sweet diet, cleansing diet, and Octavia, to name a few. Just writing this makes me go, wow, I knew it was a lot, but this makes it real.
The fact is that I said exactly what my friend told me after I was done with every diet, because within months or sometimes weeks, I was back to where I was before: feeling like “I am stuck in a body I don’t like. Something is not working.”
I felt like a failure, because other people seem to successfully do this (whatever that was) for years. Why couldn't I just find something that works? Of course I tried working out. I worked out excessively, including running. I became addicted to exercise. In therapy, I worked on not gaining confidence from working out, which was quite a process, as my therapist would ask me to pick two days to not work out. That was hard. I also got to a place where I could run. I love running. Unexpectedly, I hurt my back and could not run, so I walked and walked and walked. Exercise is a good stress reliever for mental health, but sadly for me, the added benefit of burning calories was what I will end up focusing on, instead of staying healthy. I loved the idea of working out more so I could eat without restrictions. It felt like a win-win. Lots more happened in between on this weight loss roller coaster, but it will take more than a blog post to share details.
One thing that helps me move forward is remembering when I felt a similar feeling before and what helped me to move forward. As I worked on my body image perception, I remembered I had this same feeling during the process I went through of accepting my hair. Once I realized that there was nothing wrong with my hair, I needed to work on falling in love with it, and that’s when the change began. I could not enjoy other people's natural hair because I had many distortions about my own hair that made me dislike mine. When I then decided to intentionally work on loving my hair, there was a mind change to enjoy it instead of criticizing it. During that time I even purchased my first book for hair called, “If you love it it will grow” by Dr. Phonenyx Austin. Sometimes I worry that now that I love my hair, something may cause me to lose all of it. Yes, I can struggle with pessimism at times. I am thankful for tools like, “reframing”, and every time I think like that, I remember that my hair is part of me, not me and that allows me to enjoy it!
Back to my body image. I realized the same process was needed here. Instead of a book, the scripture “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” spoke to my heart again as it did before in many areas including when I was working on accepting my hair. I embarked on a journey of loving and accepting the body I live in.
Loving and appreciating my body is a journey. Learning to stop putting it down and being negative toward it, it's a process. As I learned to love my body, I realized that loving something means you treat it with love and respect, that’s what leads me to work on other areas including my weight. However, years of dieting and distortion don’t just disappear overnight. I can struggle from time to time.
In this process of loving myself, I had decided a year ago that I will not weigh myself anymore unless it was for a doctor appointment. The scale was a huge trigger. Instead, I will be disciplined in how I eat. If I over ate, I will accept it, talk about it, and work on implementing changes. It was hard to not go on the scale, but once I stopped, I barely thought about it. I only thought about it when I didn’t feel good with myself, which told me that the number on the scale was not the issue and I needed to deal with what was really causing me to feel not good enough.
A year ago I hurt my foot. Because of how bad my feet got, I had to go to the doctor in person. It had been way over a year since I went on a scale. Because of COVID, all appointments were virtually so there was no need to weigh myself.
I was very anxious about this appointment, not about the exam I was getting done but what the scale would say. I was well aware of the emotional trigger I get from seeing my weight number on a scale. Depending on the number I can be joyful or feel very low and not valuable.
I prepared myself and decided to weigh myself at home. I was not encouraged. My weight has been the same since the last time I stepped on the scale. It was hard to shake but the fact that I had worked on loving my body helped me focus on being grateful for my body and deciding if I think I should lose weight or not. Hearing my struggles, my husband said, “Muscle weighs more than fat, and you have been consistently lifting weights.” I had started a weight lifting routine since running and walking was limited. His feedback did help but years of distortion and thinking a certain way weren’t going to vanish. There is only so much others can say to get me out of a funk. His comment did help me to assess myself and I felt that I will continue what I was doing to be healthy.
I love my body and I also love food. I am learning how to treat my body with respect and enjoy the foods I love. It’s a balance I have not mastered. Recently I looked in the mirror and quickly noticed everything I didn’t like (I will spare you the specifics) . The automatic reaction of going downhill putting myself down was quickly replaced by a smile as I remember this is my body and I am doing my best to take care of it. I am not going to be perfect, but I am going to feel good about doing my best. I am grateful my body serves me and for that I say thank you.
When there is something we don’t like about ourselves, if we don’t address the root we will find ourselves in a cycle that seems impossible to break. At times we can figure how to break the cycle alone, at times we need help, maybe even professional help. If you feel stuck, remember you don’t have to be, in fact chances are you are not, you just need a little help to find a way out. Reach out!
