A Special Gift!
When I was a kid, gifts were never permanent. My children can say the same, but there is one difference; they will lose a gift my husband or I gave them because they made choices to misbehave. They temporarily lost their cellular phone, video game, toy, etc. The gift was removed in hopes of correcting a behavior we wanted to stop. Yes, they will eventually get it back. Rarely, a gift was taken and gone for good due to a bad choice they made. For me, it was different. Gifts were taken from my siblings or me because my dad will often give them impulsively during a mental crisis or due to being intoxicated. Once the crisis passed or he became sober, he would regret what he did and demand the gift back.
I have memories of smiling when my dad came home intoxicated because he will shower us with money. Sadly, the next day, we had to give the money he gave back. On many occasions, our gifts were sold to feed my dad's addictions.
Before I continue I want to say that, I openly share things about my life and the choices my dad made and it feels good to not pretend. I grew up isolated, pretending people didn't notice things, but the fact is they did. My childhood experiences were not in a bubble. Most people in my neighborhood knew there was a lot of abuse going on in our household. People just didn't see its effects, and my family members and I are still learning about it.
My dad has a story. Having a mental health condition that drastically affects your behavior was not common in my childhood. There were no resources to help my dad navigate his mental crisis when he was irrational and abusive. I only began to understand mental disorders when I moved to the U.S. Seeing a community dedicated to helping rather than condemn the mentally ill, was far from what I experienced growing up. Sadly, due to the lack of awareness and compassion in this area, my dad's mental disorder brought my family a lot of shame. I love my dad. I have forgiven him for the pain and sorrow I experienced in my childhood. God has made it possible to be filled with compassion and love when I think of dad instead of bitterness and resentment (see Luke 18:27). The awareness that I gain, allows me to reflect on my relationship with God and gain insights that take me deeper in my walk with Him. I enjoy sharing with others those insights.
I apologize; I got off track... anyway, over time, in my subconscious, I conditioned myself to not enjoy and fear gifts or any encouragement. Studying the Bible and becoming a Christian led me on a journey to enjoy gifts. Although I have grown in this area, around my birthday it is tough. Since I became part of my church family, the outpouring of love was difficult for me. Unaware of what I was doing around my birthday until a counselor pointed it out, I became aware that I took control and planned my own parties. I did not want to be forgotten, I did not want to be hurt and I could emotionally handle someone else encouraging me. By hosting my own parties I could have a balance. Give and be given to. After working on this in therapy, I was challenged to not plan a celebration on my birthday. Instead, simply enjoy the day and soak in whatever encouragement came my way. At this time, I lived in Washington State. It was amazing. Several of my sisters in Christ stopped by to wish me a happy birthday and encouraged me with cards and gifts throughout the day. I was blown away. I am learning to enjoy gifts the older I become.
Well, this year there I was, about to celebrate my 49th birthday on Monday, March 8. I had a well-crafted and simple plan to enjoy the day. My plan included waking up early and mentally preparing to receive the encouragement that was sure to come to me. God who knows me best; after all, he created me. He knew my plan wouldn't produce what I really desire; to enjoy my day.
To my surprise, Sunday, March 7th, I looked out my window, and there stood a group of my friends with posters to wish me a happy birthday as I went to the door and opened it I was serenaded with spanish music in the background and a birthday song. I didn't know what to do. I hadn't prepared. I was shocked. I wanted to laugh, cry, freeze the moment. As a friend said later that day, I didn't expect a love bomb the day before my birthday.
That evening, while in bed, I told my hubby that I was happy and sad. I really wanted to be prepared to enjoy the encouragement and my gifts. My husband, in his wisdom, said, "let me get this straight, you wanted to be prepared for a surprise." It was not the response I was ready to hear. I didn’t say much more after that and decided to just go to sleep. I felt like he didn't get it. I also knew I was exhausted. Before the serenade, I had a coaching session with a client, and 30 min after the serenade, I had another coaching session with another client. I had not taken time to process all my feelings. I wasn't sure of everything that the birthday surprise had triggered. It would be unfair to get into a conversation with my husband, who will surely become the target to vent all my feelings. I was proud of myself to have done that!
On my birthday, I woke up and opened my eyes a little before 5:00am, way before my alarm went off. When this happens, I usually lay on my husband's chest or put the blanket over my face and go back to sleep. Instead, I jumped out of bed and said to my husband that I will give a gift to myself and spend extra early time with God to prepare my heart to enjoy today.
While sitting spending time with God, he allowed me to see that he gave me the desire of my heart. The ability to enjoy the encouragement I will get. He allowed my friends to come the day before, so on the day of my birthday, I could wake up and enjoy my gifts, cards, and all the encouragement that was waiting for me downstairs.
He knows the desire of my heart. As I journal, I began to thank him for giving me the gift of faith in him and in his Word. Reflecting moved me to focus on 1 Peter 1:3-9. I Googled various translations, and the following one moved my heart:
"What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all-life healed and whole. I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him-with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation." 1 Peter 1:3-9 MSG
And again, in a tender way, I was reminded that my Heavenly Father has given me a gift that won't be taken away, that the only way that can happen is if I give it back. Without this gift, I could not enjoy other gifts. His gift will not fade or spoil.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you..." 1 Peter 1:3-4 NIV
God gave me a gift that allows me to enjoy the most important gift of all: The gift of salvation.
On my birthday, I enjoyed every gift that my spiritual family gave me. I savored the moment because in the morning God reminded me that I had been given the greatest gift of all.
"We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9 NLT.