Just Be.
“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” Romans 8:26 NLT.
Have you ever experienced the power, freedom, and refreshment that comes from this scripture? I have. On those rare occasions when I put my agenda down and just sit with God, it happens.
When I wake up in the morning, I usually do what I call my morning temperature check. What I mean is I go through a feeling inventory from the book “12 Step: a Spiritual Journey, and rate how I am feeling in all those areas.
At the time I write this I am currently on a personal retreat. I humbly share with you my entry for today. I have been away for two full days now:
“Feel like I am just here. I think I need to have a good cry during this time away. So let me stick to my temperature chart. I am seeking approval in areas of my parenting. I feel guilty in the boundaries I am setting with certain relationships. Although it took a lot of energy, I was proud of sticking to my boundaries with a particular person. I’m grateful that my friend Tamara and hubby helped me yesterday to follow through with my boundaries. I still feel a little depressed; it comes and goes throughout the day. I need to be patient with myself because there has been a lot going on. I feel like I want to be isolated emotionally. I have this feeling like I want to freeze time as it is right now to sit, journal, pray, read, and be in God’s presence. It’s my happy place. I worry that I am not making the “right” decision in a particular situation. I need to forgive myself for focusing more on the problem than on myself and my boundaries. I need to take the risk and get feedback from my friend about something that is tugging at my heart. I need to work on intentionally nourishing myself. I will make a list of things I enjoy that nourishes me. I look forward to making that list. I need to trust what God shows me and not excuse it with denial. I look forward to spending time today making a list of things that nourish me.”
Once I’m done, I normally open my Bible… This time something (I believe it was the Spirit of God) said to do what you enjoy: journal, pray, read, and be. So I decided to start journaling. I again humbly share my entry with you:
“It’s day 3 of this personal retreat that was born from the need for time away and going with my friend since she had some things to do (my friend will be out most of the days we were there so I will have lots of alone time). When I offered to go with her it sounded good. It took a lot of mental energy to actually go, and lots of surrender. I am grateful my hubby gifted me with this trip and most importantly, God gifted me with the time. The thing I enjoy the most from this trip is to just sit. Sit with myself, and sit with God. I don’t have to be anything, I can just be and it feels good. Going to pray… Thank you for placing Psalm 139 on my heart. Oh Lord you have searched me and you know me. So thank you God for an amazing time of worship.
Thank you for giving me the humility to listen to your spirit and just be. Thank you for putting on my heart the following statement: “I don’t know, I don’t have the answers but I trust God.” Thank you God for the songs you placed on my heart this morning, especially “Just as I am” by Travis Cottrell. The words were exactly what I wanted to say. Truly Romans 8:26 is true if I allow myself to sit in your presence. You know what I need.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we out to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.“
Once I wrote that last statement, I was getting ready to do something else, but God placed on my heart to write about this moment to share.
So here is what you don’t see in the last journal entry I wrote. Right after I wrote, “Going to pray…” I put my journal down, got on my knees in the living room I am in and stayed in silence for a minute. While in silence a part of Psalm 139 flashes through my mind. I didn’t know it was that Psalm at the time, I did know it was in the Bible. I picked up my phone and googled the following: “they would outnumber the grains of sand scripture” and Psalm 139:18 showed up. I read it, but because it didn't make sense, I opened my Bible and realized that it is one of my favorite Psalms. I got up from my knees, sat back down and began to write Psalm 139. I started to write the Psalm out in my journal. There was this desire to detail everything I was doing. Yet again, the voice in my head said, just be. Be with God. So I put the journal down, got back on my knees and prayed through the Psalm. As I read it and prayed, tears flowed from my eyes. I wanted to cry so loud but did not want to wake up my friend who is sleeping in the other room. I also didn't want her to come out and I then would become distracted because I will probably start talking with her. I got up, went to the bedroom, got on my knees and continued crying. As I cried, the following words entered my mind: “I come broken to be mended”, I then searched those words on YouTube and the song popped up. The words of the song moved me and I found myself weeping like a baby as the words: “I come empty to be filled” touched my soul deeply. I then cried into my pillow and slowly while my face was still in the pillow I felt relieved, peaceful and a bit drained. I continued to kneel in silence and then utter the following statement: “I don’t know, I don’t have the answer but I trust in God” A sense of joy filled my heart and I picked up my phone to write on Facebook, “I don’t know, I don’t have the answers but I trust in God” As I wrote it I then started writing more.
I guess God wanted me to detail this moment, but before that, he wanted me to enjoy it. To just be in a world where so much is demanded of us is something we must battle for. I wish that I would not wait until I am starving to make space to just be. How often will I, from this moment on, make it a practice? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer but I trust God. He knows what I need.