Keepsake #39.

Re-parenting myself is a concept I learned in therapy. Therapist explained it to me like this: Reparenting is teaching your inner child healthy responses to fears and distortions. 

I have many issues and traumas that trigger me to want to react a certain way, and it was clear that re-parenting my inner child was needed to have a healthy relationship with myself and those around me.

Although I learned the term re-parenting after becoming a christian, the concept wasn’t new. God started re-parenting me the moment I said Jesus is Lord. Therapy gave me practical ways to practice it. 

The following is a prayer I wrote on March 30, 2019. Rather than escaping, God led me and guided me to re-parent myself in order to move forward. 

“Dear God, good morning. I am on my way to Tijuana. A couple days ago I began to feel anxious about this trip. I knew why I didn’t want to address it. As I walked through TSA, I felt the need to address this so I can focus on giving for your glory. I began to write to Julie but you whispered that what I was working on in my 12-Step group for Codependents was to bring my whole self to you first when I lack peace. I realized I didn’t want to because I don’t want to cry and I feel like I should not be bothered by this. It is so stupid really. 

God, you know how I worked on accepting my hair, I actually like it. Years ago, after I started traveling out of the country to speak for conferences, I went back to braiding my hair with added extensions because it was easy to travel. It felt good to do it out of choice and convenience instead of doing it because I didn’t like my hair. Two months ago I decided to do sister locks (a natural hairstyle that consists of tiny-sized dreadlocks). As I go speak I look in the mirror and feel exposed (my hair has hundreds of tiny short locks, it looks like worms on my hair, you could also see my scalp very vividly). I know I won’t fit in and I am going to a group of women who I was taught were more beautiful than me because of their long hair. 

I was tempted to take the advice that someone gave me after hearing my insecurities to put on a wig but I know that will make me feel safe instead of walking feeling safe in you. I wish I could talk to my emotions to tell them to stop but they have a mind of their own, they have been hurt. Instead, I would be compassionate and remind them that although they were taught to dislike their hair, you have taught them differently. You taught them that if they focus on what you say more than what they feel, their minds will change. And what you say is: “Walk proud, for you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You embraced this truth, you need to remember the freedom you felt, don’t allow the enemy to enslave you again, you are free. It’s okay to be you.  Just like all these people around you right now, everyone is a work of art of God. Don’t hide your beauty. It would be like saying you are ashamed of what God has created…” 

At that very moment, on that plane, God re-parented me!

There were many negative memories connected to my hair as a Afro-Latina. Although I had worked on them, new ones were exposed during my “sisterlocks” process. I didn’t mind how short and exposed my head felt during the beginning of this process but traveling to a Spanish speaking area to speak to a large group of women that I was conscious of how different I will look from them was anxiety producing. 

I am grateful that God showed me that I could have chosen to calm my anxious heart by covering my hair or I could instead calm my anxious heart by turning to him.

By the time I got up to speak I felt empowered by the Spirit. What I looked like was no longer a distraction. 

I still remember the title I was given to develop for the Conference: “Mujer Quién Eres para Dios? (Women who are you to God?)”. My closing statement: “God has taught me who I am to him, I can tell you who you are to him, but it’s much better if he tells you himself, so I encourage you to go find the answers in His Word.” 

Everyday I need re-parenting, I am grateful that God does not shy away from doing so as he trains me to be the woman he desires me to be.  

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7