Keepsake #40.
“Beauty is the illumination of your soul.” – John O’Donohue
Before you read this, I confess that I was very tempted to edit this keepsake. If you have followed me in the publishing of this project, all of these posts were written before I turned 50 (March 2022). As I read over them before I publish them, I am tempted to edit them since some seem all over the place and some are super vulnerable. The one you are about to read is both, all over the place and vulnerable. Some might ask, why be publicly vulnerably, my answer is, in my life I felt I was alone or the only one going through or feeling what I was experiencing at the moment, until someone had the courage to say “me too.” I hope that I can be that someone. Writing vulnerably is my way of saying, “me too” to someone who may need to hear it.
Keepsake #40
“Let’s see what God wants to teach me this morning.” That was the thought that entered my mind before I picked up a prayer from the bin to read. I was excited and nervous to see what I will read today. What will I be reminded of and what will I share with others?
What I read was not at all what I expected to focus on today. I don’t know what my expectation was but it did not include this. This is keepsake number 40. That means I have ten more to go. I feel like some of these are getting a little harder for me to write and consider sharing with others about. Clearing the cobwebs needed to renew my faith by doing this project is not the hardest thing, the hard part is sharing with others is creating all kinds of anxiety.. I am glad God’s Word says to cast all anxiety on Him! (Read 1 Peter 5:7). Okay let me continue writing.
“What matters is not your outer appearance - the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes - but your inner disposition. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.” 1 Peter 3:3-6 MSG. Unanxious and Unintimidated!
“God, I want to start with this; I am afraid of getting fat. I know where it comes from, but the truth is, if I eat healthy I won’t. The next thirty days I want to focus on accepting what’s true. It’s time to no longer fear this. I don’t want to be overweight. I also don’t want my motivation to be fear of getting fat. I want to be controlled by focusing on the good that comes from doing the work to be healthy instead of focusing on the fear of becoming overweight.” Written April 8, 2019.
The weight battle is one I have fought for years. I can say it’s a battle that when I think is over is back on full attack. I even hesitate to share this because some might feel like, but you are not that overweight so it’s easy for you to say that. Let me clarify, I am NOT talking about the weight that shows on the scale but the weight I can carry in my heart from not addressing deep issues, trauma, hurts, bitterness… This is one of those issues I needed to address.
To be sensitive to people who I have forgiven I would not go into details about the trauma that led to this deep rooted fear. It took me years to be okay with my body. At times I become insecure again regardless of much I work on this area, for that reason I am grateful God exposes whenever it becomes an issue again. When I stop focusing on the fear, I can focus on making healthy choices for healthy living.
One of the ways I addressed this fear was by becoming vulnerable about it during a therapy session that was a safe space for me. I talked about the trauma I experienced that led to that fear. It was very emotional because there were images that distorted my ability to see myself in the mirror as I was. One day after a therapy session, my therapist challenged me to look at myself in the mirror and repeat words taken from Psalm 134:14; “I am fearful and wonderfully made.” The goal was to say it slowly at least 3 times. To look into my own eyes, to highlight various words as I repeated that statement, letting the words I was saying really soak into my mind.
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” I stood looking in the mirror, noticing every imperfection, and I began to get emotional. This may sound dramatic but it’s true; something was happening in my heart, a shift. I was getting a glimpse of what God was seen in me. What he was seen beyond my physical appearance, so I continued saying it. I can truly say that I caught a glimpse of what I believe God sees: beauty that went beyond what I physically saw. I am beautiful because I am. God created me.
This was revolutionary for me, because now I could take responsibility for not caring for my body and chose to make choices for the best of caring for my physical body until it leaves this earth. I wish it was easy, but it’s a battle.
I learned that my weight is separate from who I am. I work on my weight or any health related stuff because I want to be and feel my best. This process has been a roller coaster, but it’s my rollercoaster and I hope one day to fully get off it!
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that is one thing that will never change! I am grateful that God, through his words, reminds me of that because sometimes I can easily forget.
“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out,you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you. The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.” Psalm 139:13 - 14 MSG
Thank you for reading!