Keepsake #3
“This morning I got up after only four hours of sleep. I was not tired, I thought I was pregnant so I took a test which was negative but I was urgent in knowing my condition especially since days have gone by and I did not get my menstrual cycle. I was very urgent. I did not want to wait or put it off any longer, I needed to be clear and remove any doubts that may have mastered me and prevent me from moving on with my day. I realize that this is how I need to act spiritually, with an urgency to make sure that I am always right before you (God), especially if I have not prayed or had a quiet time in a day. Why must I have this approach spiritually? Because I have not gotten what I need to make sure I’m fine for the day. I have not gotten my spiritual food. Not wanting to deal with sin or putting it off is not okay. I need to strive to keep a clear conscience before you. In other words, I need to deal with things quickly in order to move on with my life.” Written August 24, 1997. This was about a year and six months after I was baptized as a disciple of Christ.
I want to highlight that the excerpt you just read was a prayer that I asked my son Gabriel to choose from my box of prayers to write my next keepsake.
Imagine sheets of paper folded like they would be placed in an envelope, some one sheet and some several sheets stapled together. Some sheets of paper were a lot and rolled into a scroll held together with a rubber band because the pages were too many to staple together. What happened is during one of our moves I took the journals I had, ripped the prayers I wrote and placed them in a box for easy storage. The entry Gabriel chose was only one single sheet, folded and concealed between all the others.
The first thing I noticed before unfolding the paper he handed to me were the words.
“ … help ____ find peace” . I confess I was disappointed because the name in the prayer request was of someone I was no longer in contact with. I had to fight the urge to skip it and pick another paper. However I had committed to read every prayer for the box in its entirety.
See, I assumed this must be one of those prayers filled with prayer requests for others and there wouldn’t be much for me to write about here. Nevertheless, regardless of how I felt, I read it. I trusted that God would reveal the keepsake he wants me to have and share with my readers.
Here is something about me that only few people know: everytime I am asked to do a lesson, I feel insecure. It has nothing to do with feeling incapable, I am secure that God can use me. My insecurity comes from my approach. In my mind, a “good” teacher/speaker for God is one who is detailed with research, insight and deep Bible knowledge...really deep Bible knowledge. I feel like my preaching or sharing is not good enough. I am tempted to compare myself to amazing Bible teachers and Women’s Ministry Leaders from whom I have gained so much depth and insight into God’s Word. I know this is not healthy since it doesn’t allow me to see my worth and value in this area with God, that is why I intentionally work on moving toward God when those feelings creep up.
As I grew in popularity as a public speaker, my insecurity also grew. It walks with me, sometimes silently and sometimes it’s very loud. It tells me, “what you are about to share is not good enough, you need more depth, look at the speakers you have heard from, they know things. You don’t know the whole Bible. You are so simple minded, all you do is take a scripture, look at it, think of how to apply it to your life; or just the opposite, you have a life experience that leads you to a scripture or another spiritual awareness and you share about it. That is not what women are looking for, they are looking for in-depth Bible teaching.” In spite of those feelings, I surrendered to be used by God by taking captive my thoughts (see, 2 Corinthians 10:5)
As I read my conversation with God on August 24, 1997 I had an “aha” moment; I realized that the reason I share the way I share is because that’s God’s primary way of speaking to me. He speaks to my heart through a variety of life experiences.
See, that day I prayed for several people because God showed me I needed to repent in that area. I had committed to praying for people on the fly after a conversation. God had spoken to my heart that morning through a situation and helped me to see that I needed to be urgent in repenting in various areas of my life including praying for people like I said I would. I was telling people I would pray for them and I wasn’t either because I forgot or didn’t make it a priority.
We all have different gifts and God uses them to share about him to others in various ways. Today I am embracing the way God talks to me at times and leads me to share it with others.
“In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.” Romans 12:6-8 NLT.
One of the gifts God has given me is sharing with others the life lessons he has taught me. For the first time from my heart, I feel grateful for the way God uses me to deliver his message of love, forgiveness and transformation to others. I am grateful for the way he uses others to deliver to me what I need spiritually. We all have gifts.
The words from my friend Floyd Grossett, which inspired me to take a leap of faith and start writing this book now make sense. During dinner ( I wish I remembered the exact day. It was August 2021 because that’s when I wrote my first keepsake), he asked how my writing was going, and when was I publishing my next book? I quickly said, “We will see.” He noticed there was obviously something I wasn’t sharing. He asked another question and before you know it, I found myself sharing about my insecurity in my approach as a writer. After listening to me he said, “Olivia, it’s a gift to put yourself so raw out there, not everyone can do that. You don’t have to be a Bible scholar. You need to be you and let God use you.” I don’t believe Floyd has ever read any of my books. He is my friend and has not only spent time with me and my husband, but also has heard me share in various settings. God used him to remind me that the way he uses me to point others to Jesus and hopefully make the world a better place is good enough. What I am tempted to see as a weakness amongst other speakers I can recognize as a strength, God was grooming the approach he wanted me to take in my heart for years.
I once read a book by E.M Bounds called Power Through Prayer. The following became an imprint on my heart. “The preacher’s sharpest and strongest preaching should be to himself. His most difficult, delicate, laborious, and thorough work must be with himself.”
― E.M. Bounds, The Complete Works of E.M. Bounds
For the first time I feel a sense of gratitude for the way God has prepared my heart to share the sermons he wants me to share.
I became a disciple of Jesus May 26, 1996. My first official “sermon” was on May 30, 2014 in San Pedro Sula, Honduras.
It is cool to think that God worked on me for years to deliver the message I shared that day and continues to do for every message ever preached, every communion shared, every testimony I’ve given. It is beautiful to think that even as I type God is working on my heart a keepsake that I will enjoy maybe years from now and share it with others.
I am grateful for the life lessons God uses to help me grow spiritually and possibly share some with others.
The entries you read will not be full of biblical research, but it will be filled with research done by God on my heart, in various life circumstances that reminds me that God continues to teach me that trusting in Him and not in my own understanding is the best way to go!
P.S I am grateful that when I began to go over my box of prayers I committed to not skip any; if I had I would have missed this keepsake. I need to remember to be urgent in my spiritual life.
Dulce Cruz presenting me with a gift after I preached my first message for a Women’s Event in San Pedro Sula, Honduras! May 30, 2014.