Strengthened.

Let me start with this, in my last post, I shared about the ups and downs of life. Recently it is the lows that are teaching me that as the Scripture says, “When I am weak then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10) Here is another low that because I shared it, it helped me to move forward and enjoy life. I struggle to even share this; another writing about lows, people are going to think I am falling apart.​​ The truth is somedays I am “Okay”, and some days I am “okay” and that is life. I have had to learn to be comfortable with both because I have a slight feeling that grieving is going to play a big role in my life the older I get. So here you go and hope you are encouraged to embrace all seasons of life with people who love you and care about the whole you. And as always I share with the hope that it encourages whoever reads it at the moment they most need it. 

To God be the glory!

The following was written December 27, 2024

“Good morning family. As I work through the things I am grieving and find myself either okay or on the verge of crying, this morning during my quiet time, something came to mind. In 1 Samuel 1:8, Elkanah, Hannah's husband, asked her, “Why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” He asked her because she wanted a son and she was not getting pregnant with one. 

I don’t want my grieving of (anything) to cause you to feel like you aren’t enough or important to me. You are enough. Grieving clearly is a process. I am learning as I go, but I can also see it can affect those around me. Just know that you put a smile on my face and fill my heart with joy.  Grieving will get easier but in the midst of it I want you to know, regardless of my emotions through it, it does not diminish how important and valuable you are to me.  Love you.”

We have a family group text. One of my sons says that I am the group text leader since I created it. I laughed at that and told him that I will make sure to put that on my resume. Anyway, as I mentioned in my last entry, I have experienced some losses this year, not to mention losses that close friends have experienced and I grieve with them. 

Romans 15:15 says, rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. I have definitely mourned with close friends who are mourning. Yes, I have also rejoiced with friends who are rejoicing but that is not the focus of this writing. 

Christmas was good, oh so good. My husband and I woke up, made an amazing yummy breakfast for the family together, and then we opened presents. We hadn’t done much presents the past couple of years. Last year we opted for playing the white elephant game and saved the money to travel to Panama to celebrate my dad's 80th birthday the following year. Sadly, my dad died in January of 2024 so that didn’t happen. 

This year I felt compelled to treat my family to thoughtful gifts, so I went shopping for them. It was so much fun. I enjoyed the wrapping and watching the gift pile up under the tree. As I mentioned, it had been a while. 

Christmas day was amazing, although not everyone was here, those who were made the time special. I blasted Christmas songs, we watched movies, ordered chinese food for dinner, played games, made crafts, and stayed in our pajamas all day!

It was around 9:00 pm when it hit me and a cloud of sadness came over me. I tried to ignore it but it was there. I went to my room and sat on my bed. I was teary and I felt like I wanted to cry out loud but didn’t want to ruin the great time we were having.

Recently I attended a grief event for my church. In it I became aware of how much I dislike grieving in community but saw how much I need it. I want to be left alone, but then I want to be nurtured, it’s kind of crazy. Anyway, I took one thing from it: to push myself to grieve in the community. So as I sat on my bed feeling heavy hearted when I heard a whisper, “no need to feel alone.” I heard it several times before I went downstairs and said to my family I would like to share something real quick. “I am missing my dad and deeply grieving some significant losses.” This was my first Christmas without him. A couple of years ago, he and I attended a holiday party in which he had a blast. Last year I went with my sister to surprise him (video attached at the end). There were some tears in my eyes as I shared. One of my sons responded, “Understandably so, do you want us to simply sit in silence?” I said yes as tears rolled from my eyes. After a few minutes I uttered something I can’t remember and then I felt relieved. This took less than 10 minutes. The relief I felt was so amazing, I was then ready to play a game my son brought called Mario Party Superstars … I am not good at video games but I won. I definitely was lucky! 

So here I am again two days later, and it hit me again, that cloud of sadness; that feeling of wanting to freeze time until the things that are making my heart heavy pass. This time however, I was quicker to  share. I created an intimate group text of close friends who kindly asked how they could support me as I grieved. I answered honestly and said, by providing a safe place for me to share is the best support they can give me. 

This is some of my text to them: “This is super hard. I feel very emotional, either shedding tears or on the verge of it. Next Saturday hubby and I leave for Panamá for a few days. I have not been back since my dad died last January. My only reason to go there has been to see him. I am going because I don’t want to avoid my country out of grief. It took me a year to be okay to go (I have never gone to my country other than to see my dad). … I don’t know how this trip will be. My husband is really looking forward to it. I am trying to match his energy... I totally want to isolate and freeze… I am trying to do things to keep myself occupied. 

I used to read about Hannah specifically 1 Samuel 1:8 and think to myself, I don’t ever want my family to feel like they are not enough. When difficult things happen… Now I feel like here I am fighting to not be downcast, weeping (I do wish it will stop me from craving sweets and eating like it did for Hannah, but it is the opposite. I am totally finding myself doing some emotional eating at times). I know I will be Okay. I will appreciate a word of encouragement, though, Scripture, anything that God puts on your heart to share with me is welcome. I don’t want to go into this trip heavy-hearted. I really want it to be a fun time for hubby and I. I will be visiting some family, going to the assistant living home where dad used to reside to visit the workers and read a story to the residents, the church midweek; I am excited about all of it. I am hoping for the free time to be fun, bonding and refreshing.” 

One of my friends replied something that encouraged me: “Thank you for your vulnerability Olivia. It makes sense. Just want to point out that you were able to shift from not wanting to go to being excited about it. And also… it’s honestly ok to be heavy hearted going back to the place that held all of those memories about your dad for the first time since he died. Is ok to honor that too. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).”

My friend pointed out something I was ignoring. I was excited and it is okay to honor the sadness I felt. It makes me think of the quote: “If you surround yourself with positive people who build you up, the sky's the limit (Joel Brown).” So that is NOT the quote I thought of but as I looked for quotes, I loved this one. There are so many good quotes on surrounding yourself with good people. Maybe you should look some up. I am grateful for the people I surround myself with like my friend who text back to give me perspective but also comfort. 

After writing to my friends, I felt encouraged, but it made me think of my family and quickly I texted them the text I shared at the beginning. 

I am grateful that God reminded me that in challenging times, when my family can see me downcast and don’t know what to do, to remind them that I will be Okay and they are loved and important because they truly are. 

I am also grateful for pushing myself to do the whole grieving in community thing, it helps and relief comes quicker.

“Try new things, step out of your comfort zone, take risks, do things in ways you've never done them before, ask for help, surround yourself with self-actualized people, become obsessed with the fact that you have one go-round on this planet as the you that is you, and realize how precious and important it is not to squander that.” Jen Sincero